Releasing the first demon.Yesterday i wrote a letter to the first man that took a piece of my innocence and it felt good. not saying he will ever receive this letter but it was my way of getting past the hurt and shame of what he done to me.I wanted him to know just how he made me feel dirty,scared,and confused.I let him know how the yrs later i still battle this in my head, i have suffered eating disorders, and self mutilating, these were my ways to cope. I had control of that one thing in my life . Cutting for myself was my escape , for that few minutes when the blade sliced my skin my thoughts were on the outside pain and i didn't concentrate on the pain i had inside my head. I have many scars on my body today because of this, do i wear my scars in shame?? NO i have no reason to be ashamed of them at all, i wear them with pride because of all the shit i have gone through i know that i am strong enough to overcome this , and not let it consume me any longer.
I forgive this uncle for the things he has done to me , i will never forget and i doubt i will ever have an explanation of why he has done this to me, to be honest i don't want one , i rest easy knowing that one day he will have to answer to someone with more power than i have. God will make him answer those questions and he will have to deal with the consequences .I decided to Let go and Let god deal with you! So Uncle Wayne i want to say yes i forgive you , you can now carry the shame of stealing a child's innocence and almost destroying a life. Enjoy !
I have MY life and I will be HAPPY despite everything YOU done to me .I am a strong woman , mother , companion and friend, i will make it through this.!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A New Day
I am a 36 yr old woman who has just begun to find myself. For many years i was carrying many secrets and the shame and guilt from that resulted in losing myself , from the age of 6 i have been lost till now. My innocence was stolen from me looking at the pictures of my past i now see the loss in my young eyes , the sparkle that was once there was gone.
My uncle first started molesting me when i was 6 yrs old and continued periodically throughout my childhood. Around the age of 8 i was once again being violated at the hands of another uncle this was an almost everyday occurrence that went on till i was around the age of 14. Also had a neighbor that felt he had the right to touch me and steal another part of my innocence in the same time frame .
Many yrs later i was given another secret, one that tore me apart , my mother slept with another man and had me swear that i would not tell the greatest man of my life the he had been betrayed.
30 years these secrets have been running my life that was until July 29th 2010. I was going to take my life could not go on carrying the shame and guilt any longer. Spent 4 days on a psyche ward and finally realized that i have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. I did not ask for these things to happen i was a child and it was not my fault.As for my mothers dirty little secret .... well that is just what it is MY MOTHERS dirty secret i am not the one that should feel guilty and i refuse to anymore.
I know that healing is going to be a long process and i know i am going to need the help of some very special people in my life, My kids, my boyfriend , my best friend , my brother and sister in law and two of the most amazing aunts a girl can have, and many friends and other family members. I will never be able to express just how much each one of them have impacted my life, they give me hope , they give me strength and with them by my side i know i can go from victim to survivor !
So with this new day i begin my journey to survivor and i will become all i can be and more , be the mother my kids deserve , give all that i am to my amazing boyfriend and be the best friend a friend can be , best sister ,niece , but most of all .... I am going to be the best ME for ME !!
My uncle first started molesting me when i was 6 yrs old and continued periodically throughout my childhood. Around the age of 8 i was once again being violated at the hands of another uncle this was an almost everyday occurrence that went on till i was around the age of 14. Also had a neighbor that felt he had the right to touch me and steal another part of my innocence in the same time frame .
Many yrs later i was given another secret, one that tore me apart , my mother slept with another man and had me swear that i would not tell the greatest man of my life the he had been betrayed.
30 years these secrets have been running my life that was until July 29th 2010. I was going to take my life could not go on carrying the shame and guilt any longer. Spent 4 days on a psyche ward and finally realized that i have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. I did not ask for these things to happen i was a child and it was not my fault.As for my mothers dirty little secret .... well that is just what it is MY MOTHERS dirty secret i am not the one that should feel guilty and i refuse to anymore.
I know that healing is going to be a long process and i know i am going to need the help of some very special people in my life, My kids, my boyfriend , my best friend , my brother and sister in law and two of the most amazing aunts a girl can have, and many friends and other family members. I will never be able to express just how much each one of them have impacted my life, they give me hope , they give me strength and with them by my side i know i can go from victim to survivor !
So with this new day i begin my journey to survivor and i will become all i can be and more , be the mother my kids deserve , give all that i am to my amazing boyfriend and be the best friend a friend can be , best sister ,niece , but most of all .... I am going to be the best ME for ME !!
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